"At the age of 16 i was completely independent and i was bloody proud of myself. In the face of my childhood trauma, in light of being excluded from school, i threw myself into the adult work and excelled. By 18, i had management qualifications. 

I digress, the short of it is, i was a strong independent young woman. I loved being that! It was like sticking my middle finger up to my dysfunctional childhood."

"I've always struggled with my identity and feelings of low self worth."

"Initially prescribed codeine to treat chronic pain, and after spending a week in hospital on morphine, i began to crave that opiate euphoric wave. It's lovely. The problem is, it's moreish. I gradually, on reflection, suicidally, would increase my dose."

"I began to lie to my doctor, 'I lost my prescription', or 'i need another box - i'm going away'. Most of my wages would be spent on over-the-counter codeine. I'm not stupid, i'm very self aware. I knew i was spiralling into addiction. I had no intention of giving up. I would justify this by convincing myself it was a small, maintainable habit."

"I was not only wrong, but at this point my previous consideration for others was destroyed. All that i cared for was 'getting my fix!' I had become an addict."

"I suppose the worst thing, before i began recovery, was the crippling shame i felt"

"When you're faced with the term 'Drug Addict', what do you see? A homeless chap with needles in his arm? A skinny, aged woman selling her body to support her habit? The term associated so often with despair, disgust and generally 'lower working class scum' are the demographic to whom this term is so readily applied.

For this reason i was unable to accept or refer to myself as a drug addict"

"They say pride is a sin. It's certainly something i've been guilty of. I found strength, confidence from the young lady i had endured to be. Out of sheer modesty, or not wanting to sound self indulgent, i won't go into my positive attributes.

I was however stripped of those completely as soon as became codeine dependant, of course, until i started 'recovery' i would regularly convince myself that i was in control.  'It's only recreational', 'i need them medicinally', 'At least i'm not a junkie'. Gems like this would fuel my denial for 2 awful years"

"I am a pseudo-intellectual know it all. I have always been cynical of self help programmes, dismissing them as self indulgent obscurities"

"If i'm honest, i suppose i feel i'm above it somehow. Gee, i sound like a snob. Anyway, i had to really humble myself at my first N.A meeting. I was wary. There's no denying that x-anonymous programmes carry that weird…cultish preconception,. The mantra the spiritual steps, finding your higher power…i found it very hard to digest. I still haven't completely"

"But i'm getting there. 

And it's been really enlightening. I'm working the steps, making what i can, as an agnostic, of the religious connotations these programmes so often carry. 

I under estimated it entirely"

"It's funny not matter what vaneer you display, no matter how strong you think you are"

"It will always resurface. Those childhood issues that we, or should i say i, have trivialised and repressed always come back to haunt us, sounds cliche but that's exactly what happened"

"Family support is, at best, strained, i can't began to articulate the complex dynamics of having my own bi polar/borderline/substance abusive mother be the one to intervene and control my recovery. At this rate, her efforts could be more damaging and traumatic than if i were to tackle this alone. I wish i had more paper. It's incomprehensible"

"I really miss my grandparents affectionately known as mingle and dee-dee. They were wonderful, magical, flawless guardians of my otherwise chaotic and impoverished childhood. To me, they were my world. My security net. They were the only two people who ever made me feel safe and secure. I loved them fiercely. 

They both died young when i was 15."

"All I have left of my late granfolk are a few ornaments and trinkets. But they're the reason I need to beat this"